The 3 month slump when you move to America: Be aware but not beware

You’ve been dreaming of moving to the US for days, weeks, months, or even years in some cases—and that day has finally arrived. You land and everything is a dream. Sure, there are complicated parts like credit cards and social security and finding a job and finding a house, but you’re on your way to checking off boxes for the first three months… and then something changes.

What is the three month slump?

As always, lets start with the nuts and bolts. The three month slump is the period of up to 3 months that might hit you three months after you arrived in the US. For those moving internationally, it’s amplified, because the physical and emotional distance is huge, but I think it applies to any great change in your life too.

Arrive -> 3 months -> Slump -> 6 months -> Out of slump.

It’s by no means a definite, and the timeline varies person to person but from the feedback I got in my email call-out last week, I would argue that it’s the vast majority of arrivals that hit this turbulent time and many don’t realize that they’re not the only ones.

“The three month slump is so bad. Seriously considering moving home rn”

Totally agree on the 3-6 month slump! I’ve just returned to Sydney after 9 years in NY and had the slump on the way into New York, as well as on the way back returning to Aus.

What happens before the three month slump?

Months one through three, when you first arrive in the States (or anywhere new), is when everything is novel and a little bit exciting. The world has more color to it, you’re literally living your dreams and all the hard work and planning is finally paying off.

For me, even the red tape was a different and brighter shade of red which made it exciting and instead of treating it like a pain, I tried to treat it like an adventure. Yes, banking requires a social security, which requires an address, which requires a bank account, but you’re rolling with it.

Ultimately you’re working through all the difficult and complicated things life is throwing at you and YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY SO WHO CARES! It could be New York, it could be LA, it could be rural Nebraska, it’s still all exciting and new).

You’re meeting new people, trying new food, noticing things every day that make you a local instead of a tourist, and feeling like you’re really accomplishing something.

YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

When the slump arrives

After three months of highs and news you’ve started to realize that not everything is as shiny as it used to be. You’ve spent the first three months trying to look like a local, and after that time, you now actually ARE a local, with local problems, worries and pains.

The walk to work through a crowded subway station doesn’t feel as exciting when you’re not looking up in awe at all the buildings anymore, because you’re instead reading emails while you try and not be late.

And the weather isn’t as great as you’d expected (who knew that New York could get so sweaty!)

And everything’s very expensive.

And sometimes you feel a little lonely.

And you’re starting to wonder why you moved your entire life across the world—what the hell were you thinking!?

That’s the slump. It doesn’t happen for everyone all at once, and for some lucky few, it won’t happen as severely, but I have noticed in almost everyone I’ve met that some form of de-saturation of life happens at the three month mark.

What to do about the three month slump

So why am I focusing on this seemingly negative part of moving? Because I first and most importantly want you to know that you’re not alone and it’s completely normal to have bumps in the road like this.

The biggest mission I’ve got with America Josh is to explain that you’re not really alone in any of this. Someone’s done it before and made it other side in some way shape or form. The reason I find this so important to highlight is because when I hit my slump, I started to think to myself “Surely other people who move to New York don’t go through this” because the hustle culture and constant performative nature of living in a huge city of go-getters can make it look like everyone’s doing one step better than you.

BUT just because others go through it doesn’t mean that your slump isn’t real, and massively impactful on your life.

So the second most important thing to take away from this is: Wallow in it for a bit. You’re doing fine. You made a dramatic, life-altering change, and it’s hard.

Wallow, but not forever and not for long, and try to avoid too many crutches like calling home every day to check-in on friends, or leaning too hard into nostalgia. That’ll be hard to unravel. But sitting and being sad for the things you miss, and the creature comforts, and taking it day by day is wonderfully ok.

The slowdown that comes with the slump is actually worthwhile because it gives you a chance to assess and really think about what your next steps are, and none of that’s bad.

As a general rule, I don’t think it’s worth making any life-altering reversals or decisions in this 3-6 month period. You’re going through it, so my advice is don’t plan to move back, don’t change too much, just work through it day-by-day.

Lean into community and any friends you’ve made. You’re not alone in this, and while not everyone will be able to make extra time for you, take this chance to find some communities that you might really enjoy. Lean into hobbies you love, and find ways to tap into the nostalgia you yearn for, without leaning back into your life from far away.

If you need a therapist or someone to talk to, don’t hold back. Speak to people, express your frustrations, and take care of your mental health. I know I keep saying it, but you’ve made a huge change to your life, so it’s completely reasonable that you’ve got some things to work through!

The feeling of always being slightly behind, or not yearning as much as others around you, or not achieving as much as you should will possibly never go away, and that’s ok too. Bottle that part up and use it in shot-sized pours. You can use the energy and momentum of big cities to your advantage, but it can also swallow you whole, so learn that saying “no” is just as powerful as saying “yes”.

Living in New York and declining invitations to things is a boss move. Embrace it.

The post slump

After a few (up to) months of wallowing, it’s time to do a proper assessment: How are you feeling? And be honest with yourself.

I meet lots of people who at this stage realize that moving abroad will be a fine thing for a limited amount of time, but not forever. Maybe they set themselves a time limit and then use this as a longer term experiment and look forward to getting back sooner rather than later.

I meet a rare few who decide that enough if enough and it’s just not for them, and that’s great too. Don’t force it, you gave it a great shot, and you should be proud of the fact that most people never take this leap. Some people move back, but some people move somewhere else and realize that they didn’t need to return to their home country, they just hadn’t found their spot yet. That’s cool too!

But the vast majority hit this spot and realize that the color is starting to come back. Sure, you slog it to work through the snow now, but you’ve got mates at work who make it worthwhile, or your club meets on Tuesdays and you love those nights, or maybe you’ve just realized you’re quietly happy at home. Brilliant. You’re through the slump! There’ll be plenty more bumps in your life, but this one was a a doozy and you’re well on your way to great things.

I’ve personally never believed in God, or fate, or manifesting, or the universe because I think it takes away from your personal achievements. Life is hard, and moving forward in it, let alone achieving anything, is a bloody great achievement in and of itself. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Take from the good, learn from the bad, and share every little morsel you can with the next person in line, because sharing the secret of the slump makes you a legend, so you’ll have that too.

“So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!”

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

God I love that book.